Motherhood changed me.  And it’s just now about 2.5 years later that I’m noticing the breadth and depth of it.  Physically, yes of course.  Emotionally, yes.  I’ve never felt a love this deep from all angles (joy love, forgiveness, willingness to do all the things for another expecting nothing in return) before.  The depth of responsibility and care.  The psychological change, unpacking my stuff so as to not give my baby anything unnecessary to carry.  But it changed my entire existence.  

Part of me immediately held on and dug into the surfactory elements of (former) me - clothes, looking like something, working and performing like myself.  Other parts of me were willing and accepting of the again surfactory changes I knew motherhood would require.  Placing the essential needs of my child above my own comfort, allowing space and time for my child, being available to ensure their care and covering.

But what I’m just noticing is the not so obvious, but also still a little nebulous TOTALITY of absolute change that has occurred.  I am altogether different and I can’t quite put my finger on the details of the difference.  But I feel it.  

A few months ago I felt a fog lift and could suddenly see parts of me that had gone dormant or into secondary mode as I navigated early motherhood.  Little (but big) things like style, basic self care (hair, nails).  Remembering what I enjoyed pre baby.  Being able to navigate and “manage” life.  I for once felt like I could handle motherhood and me for the first time since this little person arrived.

But as I am preparing to put down intentions for the year and really the next phase of life, I couldn’t (can’t) pinpoint MY due north.  Yes, God.  But you know that inner compass that tells you where you’re headed, what matters to you, gives you your drive, revs your engine, and sends you off into the world to go get it.  I can’t seem to find it.

Yes I feel the pull of entrepreneurship.  Ok fine.  But that’s not the long or short of it, and I know it…because without that due north, I can’t even meaningfully do the things (I know how to do) to do that stuff.  

And for a while, I’ve felt like a failure of sorts for not being able to just have at it and go on that.

See, I’ve had a few mom friends and seen a few mom influencers talk about how having a child lit a fire for them to finally or truly go hard, etc.  I get wanting to provide for your child and secure the bag for your future, etc.  But I’ve been going hard my whole life just off the strength of me and being the best and doing my thug dizzle because I ain’t never been a half stepper.  So having a kid didn’t necessarily have that effect on me.

In fact, in many ways it was the opposite.  It gave me a reason to slow down and be present with my child and not focus so heavily on work (well that only happened around year 1.5, July 2021 when I went part time).  So basically, I had my kid, jumped back into grind mode, Maurice held down year one.  We moved, because I HAD to get out of that house.  I focused on making this place home.  Kept working like a nut.  Hit a wall and realized I was missing out on the best part of all of this…being with and raising my child.  And so I went part time, partly because I hadn’t allowed myself a break (my maternity leave was stressful - of mice and men…another story for another day), but mostly because I needed to be more present and available for my child.

It’s been a transformative six months.  Aaron has developed by leaps and bounds (from barely speaking to damn near reading)!  While I’m still the nazi of keeping this house clean, I’ve leaned into more of my domestic side while still making room for him and the mess that comes with him lol.

I acknowledge that I haven’t fully restored my role as partner, hot girl, fun loving free black girl(friend).  That’s part of this shift I’m feeling.  But the fact that I know she’s missing is a part of this change I can’t pin down.  

But that brings me to my original thought.  There’s no going back to who I was.  I feel altogether DIFFERENT.  

Even with the fog lifting and seeing/reclaiming the remnants of the woman I was before becoming a mother, even those remnants are just that remnants.  Not enough to make a whole ME.  There are holes that the remnants of me don’t stretch enough to cover and new gaping oceans in my existence that appeared only after I became a mother, that I am truly in the midst of discovering.  It’s deep because I don’t really know what I’m even looking for but I’m hopeful and excited for what I find.  But this hope and excitement is just surfacing, as it’s only just now am I even noticing that the oceans exist.

With that said, I feel a lot less intimidated by the gaping wonderance I’ve felt over the last few weeks.  Between trying to “tap in” to my old self, going over all the old resources and lists and journals , etc. to find clues or some semblance of where I’m headed, and finding myself scrolling or reading looking for answers I assumed I should already know.  I now realize there’s been a new lane, highway, portal if you will unlocked that I never even planned for (though I would speak of wanting a child), or set out to explore.  And it’s more than just being a mom, it’s truly like a secret world in Super Mario Brothers or something, a whole other side of MY OWN LIFE, my own womanness, my own being that I get to unearth.

And just like most things in life, MY journey is unique to me and so this “level” or secret world is mine to navigate.  While I trust that I’ll be met with the spirits that will help line the journey with crumbs of their like experiences and relevant or even better nuanced takes from their own lives, the ultimate course of my completion will be my very own. 

So that brings me to my original thought.  While I thought I was on a journey to find my way back to myself, I’m really having to find my way FORWARD.  There is no going back.  There’s still ME, but there’s also more.  A lot more.  

God that’s freeing!  Sheesh! 

[Photo Cred: wickedicons.tumblr.com]